i was with Z. having lunch in Rathdowne street.
‘how are you?, how was your week?’, she asked me.
‘week was ok. it’s just that i am being targeted by this stupid ad in instagram: “don’t chase, attract” is the punching line. i am not chasing anything… but things being said, what i attract, is really crap’.
‘ha-ha, maybe it’s because our magnets are broken’, she said.
‘yes, we are more the kind of girls that go to his place and put it into flames’.
in my twenties, i got mad at my ex. took his Elmo plush. swamp it in vodka in the sink. and set fire on him.
i dont remember what i was trying to prove. but instead of drowning and burning Elmos in the sink, i should have spoken to a shrink.
2 years later. same ex. another fight. he was doing too much coke. and i didn’t know how to cope with it anymore.
i got home completely drunk. called his mother. ‘your son is a coke addict’, i said. i hung up without saying goodbye. and started to cry.
she called me back. she asked me to go to her place. did the 4 floors by stairs.
she was wearing her night robe. and her head was full of curlers. next thing i remember was waking-up with her in her bed. with a night robe as well.
my ex stopped doing cocaine. we stayed together for 7 more years.
i wonder if the craziest you are the more you attract. now that i am chill i just have weird things.
i had a friend I used to see, write and call every week to nothingness during the last 6 weeks.
‘maybe you were not friends’, P. said. ‘maybe you were both trying to figure it out what you were.’
‘maybe’, i answered. ‘but all of this happened when i tried to understand what we really were’, i said.
‘that’s the definition of situationship, babe’, P. said. the situation ends when someone tries to get clarity about what’s going on. but it’s not that bad if now you are back to have control on your life.’
‘i dont know anymore if i miss him or if i miss the attention he was giving me’, i said.
‘what about the other one, how are things going with B.?’
‘each time we see each other we can’t get out of the bed. and when he leaves i can’t get him out of my head,’ i said.
‘oh, you are being dickmatized’, she said. ‘not sure you like the guy so much, it’s just that you are being hypnotized’.
maybe, i though. never been my style to take the part for the everything. but i might be reducing him to just one thing.
i wonder if we are not just living in an ultra-convenient world.
we are used to the convenience store. to be opened for us for every need we might have or we forgot. we are used to have amazon delivering in the next hour in our door.
and we demand this convenience to other parts of our life as never before. emotional convenience. sexual convenience.
we want emotional convenience. somebody that is here for us, to listen and to give us advice. but just meanwhile it conveys us or we find another one.
we want sexual convenience. somebody we can have sex and some intimacy but without sharing other parts of our life. without committing too much.
‘lo que pasa hoy en día es que no hay enjundia’, Nati told me once. ‘there’s no substance anymore. you take life as a joke. you are afraid to go for more. to go deep. you stay in the surface and you are scared of experiencing all the different phases. you dont know what is the weight of love’.
made me think as well in how we behave. we try so hard to please everyone that we are becoming decaf versions of ourselves. because strong coffee is not for everyone.
and doing so, we become just one more. if we already all look the same with lip fillers, boobs job and botox in the front, shouldn’t we at least have some personality left?
with the solar eclipse of the last week, we are closing old doors and opening new ones. i am channeling back the crazy kid i have inside instead of playing the pleasing one.
if burning elmos was part of my charm, let’s bring that part back. i want enjundia. i want substance.