during xmas break, I went to Paris and Madrid to catch up with all my friends.
‘where is home for you?’ R. asked me once. ‘I don’t know’, I answered. I lived in 8 different cities in 5 different countries.
i guess home is wherever you feel loved and where you belong. so i consider Paris and Madrid home.
E. wrote me to go for a walk. we were discussing about life and we arrived to the conclusion that what got us here, won’t get us there.
what got me here is that I ended a life and started a new one. and I use to do this every time I feel I am getting stuck.
what got me here is that I always trusted the process. even if sometimes the process was not very aware I was trusting it.
I dont know if this won’t get me there, but for now, somehow, it all worked it out.
what got me here is to accept there is not just one way of being, behaving or loving.
like in Xmas.
you dont have a family to love and to celebrate this time. so every December 24th and 25th you have a brutal reminder that you are an outsider.
but with time you find your way to cope with it. either you are in a plane to avoid it or you travel to countries where nobody will ask you about it.
with time, I have also seen is not the happiest time for everyone. that I am not alone in this one.
but instagram will f* you up. and make you sad. showing us there is only one way to spend xmas time. thinking like that won’t get us there.
what got me here is to accept there is not just one way of feeling.
but the inconsistency of my feelings can make my life very contradictory. sometimes I feel I am just a bunch of unprocessed emotions.
I went for a walk with L. to San Isidro cemetery.
‘I started going to therapy’, she told me. ‘at some point the panic attacks I have were not allowing me to have a normal life’.
she was very happy with the results and how working out her mind was the best thing she has ever been advised.
I thought I should do the same. keeping it unprocessed – won’t get me there.
we ended our dead tour shocked by the huge marble pantheons. people spends tons of money for their eternity. like a golden ticket for their serenity.
‘it’s so kitsch that could almost be an airbnb experience’, L. said. ‘but instead of having a super host, you get a super ghost’.
after that I went to Hotel Riu with P. to check their amazing views.
we talked about my ex. she thinks some people dont deserve our attention and affection anymore.
sometimes we fall in this toxic positivity. we force ourselves to be above the good and the bad.
trying to prove how good we are because we are able to stay in touch with people that broke us.
so seeing only the good side of people – definately won’t get me there.
took me 5.5 years to realise that the person I shared half of my adult life might have been a complete scam.
not being honest with my emotions won’t get me there either. somehow with age you tend to protect yourself, and doing so, you lie to yourself.
went for dinner with M. to El Boqueron. i was craving their anchoa salad and the cazuelada de merluza y gambas.
we discussed about how we integrate criticism. when you have a creative job, opinions or feedbacks are personal, because people is discussing your art. the emotion you put behind. and when opinions are not the expected ones, they tend to makes us feel bad.
opinions are like butts, everybody has one.
letting others people’s opinion hurt us – won’t get us there.
I could keep going with what got me here and what won’t get me there. I guess that if we manage to be nice to ourselves, we should be ok.
I guess meanwhile we feel we are in constant evolution, we should be ok. that somehow we are improving the way we live and we feel.
I guess meanwhile we know that giving up control makes us grow, we are getting a life, we are conscious about the time we have in our hands, we should be ok.
I guess meanwhile we still have some co-star, cheese, wine and the humour to laugh about life, we WILL be ok.
see you in 2024 for more randomness <3.