without even realising, here it is. two months already.
still no furniture. still no solid life here in Melbourne. still not feeling I have a home.
last Tuesday they told me my vessel will be later than expected. I opened google maps to see the ridiculous image of my life being stuck in the middle of the ocean.
I had never imagined how deep this would be. we are SO isolated.
you want to call, they sleep. they call you, you sleep. I am a part-time podcaster now. Audio notes of 7 minutes, my new hobby.
I have always been able to build new memories everywhere I lived. but somehow, all I think about are old memories. very old ones.
I am starting to think that, maybe, the last years, I haven’t digested what life is about.
maybe I have been stocking experiences and emotions, without understanding them.
and all these unprocessed emotions, are arising now.
‘C’est normal si t’as des moments down, moi apres 15 mois je me posse encore la question qu’est-ce je fous a l’Australie’, he said. ‘tu vas avoir des moments tres deep, prepare toi’.
was I happier than what I thought in Paris? what made me come here?
I might have lost control of my life.
we crossed again 2 weeks later, and he asked me ‘Hey Sandy, how are you doing?’. ‘Oh, way better,’ I answered. ‘I think I was so down that now I can only go up’, I answered. ‘that was fast’, he said.
was it? I was impressed by the honesty of his answer. the fact he was surprised made me think if I was being honest to myself.
I arrived home and started reading Just Kids, and found the postcard inside of the person who gifted me.
“Looking for a hard-six, in Las Vegas”. and she wrote ‘I chose this postcard to remind you a good memory (…) I remember one day discussing about not fitting in a box, sometimes making us anxious. I think you will never fit into one, because you will always create your box and surround it with people you love’.
helped me to put things into perspective. I asked for a change, and I got it. this is the first step to build a new box.
I do have control of my life. I could have said no. and it was a yes instead.
I might have came all the way down to find my hard-six. or maybe not. only time will tell.
but what I know, is choices have consequences. and the journey might be harder than expected.
al toro, for los cuernos.